Today is the first day

Yesterday the gym was packed, but being a Monday it was to be expected.  Monday is usually always chest day, and no bench is available without a fight. I walked in, and saw I had to do a different workout than I had planned.  I had no gym partner, and quite frankly I didn't feel like asking anyone for a spot. So I did arms, triceps, biceps, and some lower body exercises.  My body was craving a challenge, something to let off some steam from what has been bothering me these past few days. That something would be the good old fashioned matters of the heart.  I've been wondering about this guy for the past few days. Wondering if I should give up my armor, and become all vulnerable, and let him in. There are things that bother me, but the more I dive in, the more I realize maybe it's also just me.  I have transformed internally. I question the intentions of those around me.  I wish I could say, I really wish I could just scream it, but these are the kinds of things you just don't tell anyone, not even God.  You just look up at the sky, and hope he meets your gaze when you do, because you know he knows, and words can't describe it.  When my ex boyfriend and I finally broke it off for good, I became fully invested in my fitness.  I became someone new.  I felt so complete when my hands took a grip of the bar, and I'd feel my body lift this heavy weight.  No one could touch my heart the way iron would.  I was working out, and my heart, my mind, my body, everything was just so connected.  Then one day I meet this guy.  He was himself going through matters of the heart with a girl, and so I took no notice of it, although I felt drawn to him.  I never go for a guy who is taken. Rule I always apply. I respect the girl he's with even if I don't know her.  Then a few days after meeting this guy, I find out they've broken up.  Still though, I saw him only as a friend since I also believe his heart was taken, and I didn't feel like liking someone who's heart is simply not ready.  So I let it be. I continued working out, my life was not interrupted, nor bothered.  He was just another guy I found attractive.  Then something happened.  He asked me to workout with him, and who can say no to that? So I started working out with him, accepting the offers to train together.  Before I knew it, it became a habit for me to just readjust my workout routines, and even found myself interested in this guy's fitness as well.  Still though, I knew better to keep my distance; he had just gotten out of a relationship.  Then the strangest thing happened, one night after one of our workouts, we wrestled, I was on the ground, and he was on top of me.  My heart was pounding.  I felt the blood rush through my veins.  I wanted nothing more than to kiss this guy, but before my mind could make up its mind, he beat me to it.  In my head I was thinking, "He shouldn't have done that." Yet I was still so glad he did.  What's that have to do with today being the first day? Today is the first day I will let myself just love this guy, and take that risk.  It's been emotionally exhausting trying to figure out if I should, or not.  I was at the gym, lifting weights, and it didn't feel like my heart was fully there.  It felt as if though one half was here, and the other somewhere else.  That had never happened to me before.  I don't know what's gonna happen.  I've been thinking of all the possibilities, but what the hell? The hell with that. Anything, and I mean ANYTHING can happen.  And my fitness? That's something that I will stick by no matter what. I will surrender my heart to this person, but I will enjoy it while doing push ups, burpees, squats, bench presses.... And I will continue living the fitness lifestyle.